Jillian Turecki: Embracing the Dance of Modern Love and Self-Discovery

Transcript

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Hey everybody, Steve Norris, here this week.

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I am so honored to bring you an encore presentation of our number one downloaded episode of all time my conversation with the one and only relationship coach and teacher, Jillian Cherecki.

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I have a few clients who've met the love of their lives on dating apps, but a lot of people who are very frustrated by it.

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I think that, look, it's the world that we live in.

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I think what makes it very difficult and sad is that this whole swiping culture it's like everyone is just so disposable and that's not what we need.

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We need more connection, and so I really find that part of it incredibly difficult for people to navigate and I find it really sad.

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If you're going to be on the apps, a couple of things Don't say what it is that you don't want.

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Focus on what it is that you do want.

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Make the world a better place.

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Make the world a better place.

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Hey, hey, I'm Steve Norris.

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Welcome to Better Place Project, where each week, we shine a light on amazing humans from every corner of the planet who are doing extraordinary things to help make the world a better place, including sharing their knowledge with us on how we can be living healthier, happier, more purposeful lives.

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Okay, guys, I've got some good news and some bad news.

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The bad news is that I am down for the count with the worst flu I've had in years.

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I remember in 2016, I was in London and I got my first case of the flu and like 15, or might've even been 20 years since I'd had the flu I just don't get the flu very often at all and it kicked my butt.

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I was pretty much in bed for a week.

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Well, I got this one this last Friday and I spent the better part of the weekend in bed, and it's now Monday and I'm still MIA.

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But I did manage to crawl out of my hole to record this intro for you.

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But the good news is that I recorded this week's conversation last week when I was feeling great, so you won't have to listen to this horribly congested voice the entire episode, and I also wanted to give you all a heads up that I'll be taking a couple of weeks off from the show, as I'll be working on some other projects for the next couple of weeks.

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But don't worry, I will be back soon.

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This is a great time to binge past episodes while I'm away and if you haven't already, don't forget to follow us or subscribe to make sure you don't miss our next episode.

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But let's get to today's guest, and wow, this is a good one.

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Jillian Turecki is a certified relationship coach, teacher and writer who for 20 years has taught others how to transform their relationships with themselves Under the tutelage of Tony Robbins and world-renowned family therapist Chloe Madonis.

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Jillian is certified by the Robbins Madonis Center for Strategic Intervention, a renowned coaching program known for its innovative strategic solutions to the most difficult relationship problems.

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Fueled by an insatiable curiosity about what makes a relationship thrive, jillian has helped thousands through her teaching and writing to revolutionize their relationship with themselves so that they transform their relationships with others.

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Jillian has sought out for her compassionate, direct and very authentic style of coaching and teaching.

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First of all, if you guys haven't already, go out and follow Jillian on Instagram at Jillian Turecki, that's T-U-R-E-C-K-I, and you'll see why she's blown up with over 275,000 followers.

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Her advice is just so unique and spot on and, as you'll hear in this interview, so much of her work is focused on fixing ourselves Because, as she says, every relationship that I've ever had had one thing in common and that was me says every relationship that I've ever had had one thing in common, and that was me.

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So, if we really want to improve our current relationship or attract the right partner, we have to start with ourselves, and that's where Jillian is just brutally honest.

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I think you'll love this conversation Without further ado.

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Jillian Turecki.

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Welcome to the show.

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Jillian, make the world a better place.

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Welcome to the show.

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Jillian Hi.

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Thanks for having me.

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So awesome to have you.

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Let's dive right in, as I like to do so much, and start right off the bat on having you tell us a little bit about your childhood and kind of the events that led up to you being the relationship coach guru that you are today.

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Wow, I wasn't expecting childhood Okay.

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Are we going to need to extend this an extra hour now?

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I'm like I don't know what.

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So I, you know, I was born and raised in Manhattan.

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You know, I, my, my parents were immigrants, my father originally from Poland is a psychiatrist right or a psychologist?

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Yeah, my father's a psychiatrist.

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My mom was, you know, a model at one point and then just basically a housewife.

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They my father was originally from Poland, but when he was an infant it was basically like the end of world war ii and um, so they he and his and my grandparents escaped poland, um, and lived in, uh, sweden for a few years before um moving to immigrating to south africa, which is where he met my mom.

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He went to medical school in South Africa, grew up from like 12 years old up into adulthood in South Africa, and then my parents came to New York City in the late 60s.

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So, yeah, so I'm a first generation, you know, grew up, so I'm a first generation, you know, grew up partying in New York City and I, you know, I had it's really hard to say, I mean, I think by a lot of people's standard I think I had a fine childhood.

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I had a very complicated relationship with my father and my mom and my father had a really terribly toxic relationship.

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So I mean, yes, you know, any therapist I went to when I was a kid was like you did not have a great childhood, but I think it's all relative you know, I had a I was able to go to private school.

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I went to camp.

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I got you know.

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I was able to have those privileges.

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When I graduated college, no one told me that it was okay to not know what you wanted to do with your life at 21 years old and being raised by immigrant parents you're and I'm sure anyone who's listening to this who are first generation.

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There is this expectation of the American dream, which is that you got to go to college.

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You have to get a corporate job, like you need a lot of certainty, you need a lot of stability, which it's not a bad message at all, but stability was what it was all about.

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So I was expected to go the corporate route.

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I have two older sisters.

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One of my older sisters went the corporate route and I was absolutely miserable.

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I mean, I worked at a you know really big corporate giants for a while and then I was like, okay, I'm gonna work in fashion and just work for, like you know, like two women in like a loft and doing fashion and stuff like that.

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So I and then I hated that and I think that so when I was in my twenties, knowing that I had to figure out a career and that was very important not not knowing what would make me happy.

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I was very, very stressed out because I hated the corporate world and I realized that I actually hated working for other people.

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As did I.

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Yes, hated it, but I didn't have any.

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There was no like I'm going to become a lawyer, I'm going to become a doctor.

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So I became a yoga teacher and my mom I'll never forget my mom was like okay, not exactly the security that I was looking for for you, but what can I do?

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You beat to your own drum and ultimately I was supported in that.

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In fact, speaking of which I literally just found out last night, by the way, lisa, my partner, who works behind the scenes on the show, who's a huge fan of you, and she's the one that turned me on to you and we were talking last night that I'm so excited to finally.

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You know, I've been following you since she told me about you and and and.

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What I didn't know until last night is that you're actually we've had Skylar Grant on the show and that you've worked with her out of New York, going way back oh yeah, yeah, Skylar is a very she's like family to me and she was my she's awesome, and so is Jeff.

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They both were on the show, jeff as well.

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Yeah.

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So Skylar was my mentor for many years and I guess you could say she was my boss because I worked for Kula Yoga Project.

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But it's not the same thing as working for someone out in the world.

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Yeah, exactly, sure.

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So I became a yoga teacher because I had discovered yoga and it completely changed my life and I knew from the moment that I began practicing yoga that it was going to be in my life until I died.

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I had a sense that I was really building, or starting embarking on, a relationship that was never going to end.

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And then I wanted to teach it and I did, and I taught in New York and taught with Skylar and under Skylar's tutelage as well, and did that for, you know, 17 years, and but I would say that about 10 years ago was when I started to feel antsy, and it wasn't that I didn't want to teach anymore, but I wanted what I was doing.

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Teaching yoga was not enough, but I had absolutely no idea what I wanted to do, and I also had this this this belief that's always been a part of me was which is that you know, I have to get married and I want a child.

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So I, I, I just it was almost like a little another existential crisis.

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I'm like what do I want to do?

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And I didn't know and I ended up actually getting married and that was a complete disaster.

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It was actually a pretty good relationship up until we got married, although there were red flags that I definitely ignored, but that ended up being a complete disaster, and during that time of when we were splitting up, my mom was diagnosed with lung cancer and was given very little time to live.

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I heard about that.

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stage four yes, stage four lung cancer, which you don't survive.

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So I, in 2014, I, you know, I had a dark night of the soul.

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My husband left me, I had a miscarriage I actually had a miscarriage even before that and my mom was dying.

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And I just remember thinking, okay, this is what it is, this is what it means when your life falls apart, like literally, like what paper children says, sure, yeah.

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And it was a serious dark night of the soul, it was terrible.

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You describe it.

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I've heard you describe it as the day you died.

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Yes, it was essentially.

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You know and it's so interesting, jillian, that you and I are both involved in something right now as a result of I went through a very, very similar dark night of the soul and I talked openly about it on past episodes that just everything in my life just went to hell, and it was just a really, really dark period.

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But out of that sprung this podcast, you know.

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So isn't that interesting how, so many times, when we go through these darkest times, you know, we do become a seeker, if you will, of something that, that, something that's for our soul that's for our purpose and our passion, as opposed to what we are kind of taught in school.

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Go get a good job that pays well, so you buy a house, get married, have kids and have the career and all that, and it sounds like the career life certainly was not fulfilling for you as well.

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So was it that I'm assuming that you said okay, let's look back over my relationship?

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Why did it go badly and at what point?

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Because you talk so much about accountability and I want to get to that as well At what point did you start holding yourself accountable for some of the things that maybe you could have done differently?

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Because those are so many of the things that I had had for what my life would look like and who would be in it, just went up in flames Like I thought I would be, you know, by that time, married with a kid, maybe two kids.

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I thought you know for sure my mom would be alive or, you know, not be diagnosed with lung cancer.

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I had also, just like four years prior to that, lost my stepfather, who I was very close to.

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So when I say that that was the day that I died, it was like everything that I thought life was going to be totally turned out not to be what it was going to be.

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You know it.

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Just, the blueprint went up in flames and I had this, this feeling of wait, something must be wrong with me which then, over time, became accountability in a much healthier way, as opposed to just like I'm broken, but I felt really broken, I.

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So the transition for me was, you know, one day it was actually the day after my husband left and I was sitting outside because I have a dog and you know, my dog allowed, you know, made it so that I had to be outside and my friend, who was also a life coach and back then, you know, it wasn't like everyone, no one was really talking about life coaching, it was certainly not an industry that I was even aware of.

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And she found me and we started talking and she brought up Tony Robbins and I was like the infomercial guy with the big this is your friend, anna.

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Yes, my friend, exactly.

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See, I listened to your podcast, you talk about this Very impressive, very impressive, yeah.

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So my friend Anna, who I'm still very close with, and she, you know and this was like before Again, like Tony was huge, but not in the same way I than he is now.

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This is, you know, we're talking about almost nine years, eight and a half years ago, anyway.

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So I started listening.

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I was very skeptical, but I was desperate, so I started listening to him and having him talk also about relationships, it's like everything started to make sense and that's what you know.

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Listening to him is what got me up out of bed every morning.

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And then I started to feel really inspired and I started to study more and I went to school and I hired a coach and I had a mentor who's his business partner, who's an 82-year-old woman.

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And then I have this other mentor who's a coach, who I've's an 82 year old woman.

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And then I have this other mentor who's a coach, who's who I've been working with for eight and a half years, who's been phenomenal, especially in helping me build my business.

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And and I realized that and I that, whatever happened between me and my ex-husband or me and anyone else, I had to be able to see my part.

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I had to see where my stuff was interfering, as well as be able to see where their stuff was interfering, like I had to be able to.

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It's I wanted to get clarity, because closure really comes.

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People talk about closure like it's something that someone can gift to you, but they can't.

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Closure is really a state of clarity and it's when you're like, oh, I'm starting to understand this and in that understanding, you're understanding what you did, the things that you did to contribute to the problems where you're lacking skill Because I mean, look, we're just not taught this in school Exactly and also clarity about what was really them.

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And so that's where this whole idea of accountability is so important.

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And when I started to work with people, I realized, no matter how thin you slice a story, there's always two sides to the story.

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Now, let's put aside abuse and anything like that, because there are instances of that and I'm not really interested in, you know, having someone who's a victim of vile abuse to be accountable.

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However, as someone who was, you know, I was in a very, very horribly abusive verbally and emotionally abusive relationship in my late 20s.

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Verbally and emotionally abusive relationship in my late twenties.

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And if I was not able to say, jillian, you need to look in the mirror and figure out why the hell you you.

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You accepted that and also the worst came out in me, like I trust me.

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I had toxic behavior in that relationship too.

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So I really do believe that accountability actually applies to everyone, although I just know that if someone is like in the throes of something abusive, that's not where I would want them to go first.

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It's like see how they're accountable, but put that aside, let's shelve that for a moment.

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They're really almost.

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There's always two sides and if you don't see that you have something to do with it, then you don't have agency over your life.

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And you need to have agency over your life, even if that means like you have to learn how to listen more, you have to learn how to choose better partners, or you have to learn how to communicate, or you have to learn yourself.

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It has steam has to go up or your self-esteem has to level out.

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You know whatever it is Got to see.

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You know, or your daddy issues or your mommy issue, whatever it is like.

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You got to be able to see it.

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You have to be able to see it to change it.

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Yeah, I, I, I love a quote that you said on your podcast and you said if we want a relationship that lasts and is fulfilling while it lasts, we have to build unshakable courage to face our fears all the things you're talking about right now and learn the skills none of us were taught in school and, for many of us, in childhood.

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So can we drill down a little bit more on these?

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Obviously, self-reflection, I think, is a type of skill holding ourselves accountable but what are some of these other skills you're talking about when you say that, Like you wish we were taught in school?

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Yeah, so communication skills.

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Perfect.

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Number one, I mean, I think in school.

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A lot of schools will teach you how to debate.

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Ah how to defend a thesis.

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How to be defensive, sure, and aren't we all defensive when things come up in relationships?

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Or how to present, and none of that means jack shit when it comes to a relationship.

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So the skills are learning how to communicate.

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I think that it's really important that, if you are in a relationship with someone of the opposite gender, that you understand that person's psychology as well, because men and women are different and so, like you know, you can't expect your boyfriend, lover whatever to be just like all your girlfriends, and vice versa.

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I think that also understanding yourself and understanding your own psychology, understanding just your hormonal system, you know, understanding your emotions, understanding you know there are people who were taught that having emotions meant you were weak.

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Well, you can only imagine what that does to a person in relationships.

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They're having a really hard time.

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And then there are also people who were never taught how to regulate their emotions.

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They, too, are having a really hard time, and our parents did the best that they could, and not only that.

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Our parents.

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Probably, in some, some of our parents did better than what we give them credit for.

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Some of them do worse.

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You know, these are just.

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It's being able to, yes, have the self-reflection, but the skills are learning how to speak and how to communicate, not just with your actions, not just with your words, but with your actions, with your body language.

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That's very important.

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Yeah, it's interesting what you just mentioned about men sometimes and not showing emotions times and not showing emotions, and so many times we feel we get mixed signals from women that say they want us to be these vulnerable guys that get emotional, and then, when we do like you said, all of a sudden we're a wimp now.

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In fact, that exact same thing happened when I got out on the dating world years ago, after being as I told you before we started recording this call today that I was in a long-term marriage for 23 and a half years.

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And when I was back out on the dating world, I remember being on a first date with somebody that I met on some goofy app and she says to me oh my gosh, my ex.

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He was just such a wimp.

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I remember he cried when his dog died and I remember thinking when Max, my golden retriever, died that my kids grew up with at 12, 13 years, I cried like a baby and I'm thinking okay, next.

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Yeah, that would be what we refer to as a red flag.

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Just someone talking about their ex in any derogatory way.

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I'm not a fan of.

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I totally agree with that If they badmouth their ex, like with the possible exception that you mentioned earlier if there was physical, verbal abuse, that sort of thing.

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It's a completely inexcusable type of behavior.

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But totally agree If they come in and say ah yeah, he was you know, never listened.

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Yeah, yeah, no, terrible, total red flag.

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Yep, yep, yep, yeah, and to your point, we do have to look deep inside ourselves and change the way we see ourselves and see our parents.

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As you say, authenticity always wins.

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What does it mean to you to be authentic and to show up in an authentic way in our relationships?

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So to be authentic is to actually be true to yourself.

00:23:57.105 --> 00:24:02.741
So that means that you are not trying to be someone else, like, let's say, in a dating scenario.

00:24:02.741 --> 00:24:08.162
You are not in any way strategizing to get someone to be more interested in you.

00:24:08.162 --> 00:24:10.855
You're not pretending to be someone that you're not.

00:24:10.855 --> 00:24:15.277
You're not pretending to like something that you don't, that you that you don't like.

00:24:15.277 --> 00:24:26.741
You are totally brutally honest about what you come to the table with and that you know like, for example, like if you want kids, you have to be upfront about that.

00:24:26.741 --> 00:24:28.507
That would just be authenticity.

00:24:29.615 --> 00:24:46.789
But in a relationship, it means telling the truth, and telling the truth based on how it is that you feel, because a lot of people are too afraid to rock the boat in their relationship, and sometimes that's even unconscious.

00:24:46.789 --> 00:24:58.519
They think you know why bother, you know like that's just going to create more problems, or they're not going to understand, or they're it's just going to again, it's going to rock the boat, it's going to open up a Pandora's box.

00:24:58.519 --> 00:24:59.461
I don't want to do that.

00:24:59.461 --> 00:25:16.820
When you are living in that state inside of a relationship, you're not being authentic because you're not being true to yourself and then representing yourself truthfully outward to whomever you are in a relationship, but they're just anywhere.

00:25:16.820 --> 00:25:23.685
So I think that, first of all, it's not that easy to be authentic.

00:25:23.685 --> 00:25:26.797
We care about what other people think of us.

00:25:26.797 --> 00:25:35.743
Some of us obviously care what other people think of us more than others, right, and for those people who literally care so much, it's like they're in a prison.

00:25:35.743 --> 00:25:47.578
But everyone cares a little bit and we certainly care what the person who we certainly care about, what the person we're in a relationship with, how they think about us.

00:25:47.578 --> 00:25:54.721
I mean, we definitely care about that and it's difficult to always tell the truth in a relationship.

00:25:54.721 --> 00:26:06.461
But telling the truth is really the highest form of authenticity and it's not about like, oh I think you look kind of fat today, or I don't think you look great today, or something like that.

00:26:06.461 --> 00:26:08.182
It's not that kind of truth, it's.

00:26:09.522 --> 00:26:11.084
I've been, you know.

00:26:11.084 --> 00:26:16.667
I don't know if I want to have kids anymore, and I know you really want to have kids.

00:26:16.667 --> 00:26:22.252
I'm really hurt by something that you said and I really want to talk about it.

00:26:22.252 --> 00:26:28.758
Something that you said and I really want to talk about it.

00:26:28.758 --> 00:26:31.623
I don't like this thing that you do and I really am trying to figure out how to work with it.

00:26:31.623 --> 00:26:35.230
I don't know if I love you anymore.

00:26:35.230 --> 00:26:47.307
I don't, you know, like telling the truth, or I hate that you get stoned every single night.

00:26:48.808 --> 00:27:00.436
I, the fact that you, um, the fact that you're stressed out all the time makes me lose attraction to you, and I don't want to lose attraction to you.

00:27:00.436 --> 00:27:04.041
I don't want you to be stressed, like so there's a way to do it to lose attraction to you.

00:27:04.041 --> 00:27:05.785
I don't want you to be stressed, so there's a way to do it.

00:27:05.785 --> 00:27:06.346
That's kind, you know.

00:27:06.346 --> 00:27:18.201
Of course you want to be kind and not and not be blaming, but these are the things that people hold inside in their relationship and and it's a problem.

00:27:18.201 --> 00:27:23.920
And then there's lots of people it's a lot of women in general who really struggle.

00:27:23.920 --> 00:27:44.266
They never learned how to assert themselves in a relationship, so they've never learned how to say, like this doesn't work for me, because they think I'm not going to be loved, I'm not going to be the good girl, I'm not going to be like the perfect person, and then you're not being authentic person and then you're not being authentic.

00:27:44.286 --> 00:27:55.838
Yeah, just what you said right there, jillian, just kind of segues me beautifully into what I wanted to kind of go towards next.

00:27:55.838 --> 00:28:02.397
And you've said that inside of all of us is a child who's terrified that they're not enough and desperately wants love.

00:28:02.397 --> 00:28:09.640
So we have to do the work to figure out how to feel enough, even if we don't feel enough all the time.

00:28:09.640 --> 00:28:14.747
And you mentioned that part of that is learning how to make ourselves happy.

00:28:14.747 --> 00:28:24.666
So for someone out there who's listening to this right now, who's struggling or maybe coming out of their own dark night of the soul, how can they start?

00:28:24.666 --> 00:28:30.887
What's step one on this journey of learning how to make ourselves happy?

00:28:31.515 --> 00:28:31.634
Right?

00:28:31.634 --> 00:28:35.727
Well, first I'll just say that we are not actually meant to be happy all the time.

00:28:35.727 --> 00:28:44.943
We're meant to have all sorts of emotion because we wouldn't recognize joy or happiness if we didn't have the opposite end of the absence of it.

00:28:44.983 --> 00:28:48.282
Yeah, we just wouldn't recognize it so we're not.

00:28:48.383 --> 00:28:54.780
So it's not about, like, it's not really the pursuit of happiness, necessarily, I think so there's two things.

00:28:54.780 --> 00:29:19.727
I think that, um, being able to access joy over the little things is a skill worth developing, like just being joyful over the fact that, like I don't know, like a stranger smiled at you, you know so, not having these, really these strict rules about what has to happen in order for you to be happy.

00:29:19.727 --> 00:29:30.246
So it's like, oh, I need, like I need to have everyone telling me that I'm great, or I need to have a relationship, or I need the sun to be shining, and then I'm happy.

00:29:30.246 --> 00:29:36.746
So, first, it's really about acknowledging where, how negative you are.

00:29:36.746 --> 00:29:47.077
You know, like, how much you are looking out in the world and only seeing like darkness, and I mean I know this intimately, I mean I just was.

00:29:47.077 --> 00:29:53.256
You know, I wasn't raised by two people who saw the glass half full, just wasn't.

00:29:53.256 --> 00:30:16.503
So I had I have to really consciously train myself to be able to see things in a more positive light, not in a I'm lying to myself and not seeing reality, but like not looking at something and seeing it worse than it is, either seeing it as it is or trying to see it better than it is, and so that would be step one.

00:30:16.564 --> 00:30:32.540
But also part of step one, which is the most important thing, is that if you're coming out of a dark night of the soul, even if it's a, even if it's a, it's a minor dark night of the soul, maybe it's a stuck in a rut, you feel lost dark night of the soul.

00:30:32.540 --> 00:30:39.126
Maybe it's a dark night of the soul Like, oh my God, your life, just like every, like people are dying around you, like it's awful.

00:30:39.126 --> 00:31:06.048
You have to figure out a way to find to make your life meaningful, even in the midst of suicidal.

00:31:06.048 --> 00:31:12.826
I would never do that to the people who love me, but I definitely had moments where I was like I wish I wasn't living.

00:31:12.826 --> 00:31:17.486
I think that's different than being suicidal, but I think I guess that's just more, just being depressed.

00:31:17.486 --> 00:31:27.661
But I had moments and what got me out of that suffering doesn't mean I wasn't in pain, doesn't mean I wasn't still hurting, doesn't mean the grief went away.

00:31:27.661 --> 00:31:32.844
The grief was very much there, I mean, for you know, I think I cried every single day for an entire year.

00:31:33.826 --> 00:31:48.949
But what got me out of the intense darkness suffering was, was, was listening to things that really inspired me and then working towards building this new future of trying to like, I was like, well, I'm just going to read all about this.

00:31:48.949 --> 00:31:53.582
I became absolutely obsessed about what makes a relationship work.

00:31:53.582 --> 00:31:58.838
I wanted to figure it out and I devoted all my time into energy, into that.

00:31:58.838 --> 00:32:05.605
And then my life started to have meaning again and all of a sudden, like this path was started, this new path was forging.

00:32:05.605 --> 00:32:20.046
So you need to figure out a way, if you're in a dark night of the soul, to figure out a way to have your life have meaning and purpose, and then happiness will find you here and there in those little moments.

00:32:20.046 --> 00:32:21.898
That's what's most important.

00:32:22.843 --> 00:32:23.163
Love it.

00:32:23.163 --> 00:32:37.688
Okay, I love this quote and I honestly can't remember if I pull it off your podcast or off of Instagram, but I think it so beautifully sums up kind of the whole accountability.

00:32:37.688 --> 00:32:44.058
And you said quote it's not that they do not know how to communicate, it's that you struggle with communicating effectively as well.

00:32:44.058 --> 00:32:46.006
It's not that they always leave.

00:32:46.006 --> 00:32:49.016
It's that you often leave yourself before they do.

00:32:49.016 --> 00:32:51.301
It's not that they always complain.

00:32:51.301 --> 00:32:53.768
It's that maybe you haven't been listening.

00:32:53.768 --> 00:32:56.682
It's not that there's just no passion left.

00:32:56.682 --> 00:33:00.678
It's that somehow, perhaps the passion has also gone out in you.

00:33:01.480 --> 00:33:06.939
If every person you've ever been with is needy, perhaps it's you that has a hard time relating.

00:33:06.939 --> 00:33:08.884
Maybe you keep withdrawing.

00:33:08.884 --> 00:33:14.646
And if you are someone who's had an affair, or many affairs, it's not because of the person you're in a relationship with.

00:33:14.646 --> 00:33:18.345
It has everything to do with you, you know, and so on.

00:33:18.345 --> 00:33:20.395
And now I'm remembering that was in your podcast.

00:33:20.395 --> 00:33:21.597
Yeah, that was in your podcast.

00:33:21.597 --> 00:33:22.740
Yeah, yeah Loved it.

00:33:22.839 --> 00:33:48.727
I had to pause because I wanted to write this down, because it was so beautifully said, but I think for me that just resonated on such a deep level and I think that's why you resonate so much with people in that so often you hear people talking about relationship coaches, for example, that say well, if you're with a person that's doing this and doing this, avoid these characteristics.

00:33:48.727 --> 00:33:51.980
It's always so much the dialogue is about them.

00:33:51.980 --> 00:33:57.148
Where with you, it's almost always within.

00:33:57.148 --> 00:34:00.567
If you look within, you'll start having better relationships.

00:34:00.567 --> 00:34:06.059
In fact, you even mentioned that you don't do a whole lot of couples counseling anymore.

00:34:06.059 --> 00:34:07.703
You like to do one-on-one.

00:34:07.703 --> 00:34:23.125
Can you talk a little bit about why that is and also talk about what I just mentioned, how important it is that we just continue to look at ourselves in every scenario, in our relationships, every scenario in our relationships.

00:34:23.144 --> 00:34:25.748
Yeah, so I really so.

00:34:25.748 --> 00:34:27.349
I had a wonderful therapist.

00:34:27.349 --> 00:34:37.478
She started off as our couples therapist when I was married and she did.

00:34:37.478 --> 00:34:39.782
There were some really great things that she did, but ultimately it was.

00:34:39.782 --> 00:34:41.385
It felt like a waste.

00:34:41.385 --> 00:34:57.083
I mean, she was wonderful therapist with me, but the couples like the two times, the few times that my ex-husband and I went to a therapist who was working with the two of us, it was absolutely useless.

00:34:58.344 --> 00:35:06.867
Yeah it was totally useless and I thought there's gotta be a different way to do, like something like what is this?

00:35:06.867 --> 00:35:09.244
And we were not being held accountable.

00:35:09.244 --> 00:35:14.505
We weren't like you need to be tough with couples.

00:35:14.505 --> 00:35:30.284
And so I, when I started my journey of relationship coaching, I really wanted to help couples and I worked with lots of them, but it's very exhausting.

00:35:30.284 --> 00:35:35.639
It's some couples it's like the couples that come to you and they're like we want to do better.

00:35:35.639 --> 00:35:47.568
It's great, but usually it's like one person comes in and they're saying and they're bringing their significant other and they're like fix them so that I can be happy that's exactly happened to me in a past relationship.

00:35:47.588 --> 00:35:49.456
Yeah fix them so that I can be happy.

00:35:49.456 --> 00:36:06.731
And it's really, really, really intense, and what I found was that I really loved working with people who, whether they were in a relationship or not in a relationship, I liked working with people at different stages of their relationship journey.

00:36:06.731 --> 00:36:27.275
Either they were single and looking recently heartbroken, or they're in a relationship to help them change themselves so that they can, so that they can see that through changing themselves, their reality totally changed themselves.

00:36:27.275 --> 00:36:30.501
Their reality totally changed and I loved actually seeing that and so, and that's just, I just kind of evolved going that way.

00:36:31.643 --> 00:36:32.505
It's so funny.

00:36:32.505 --> 00:36:36.121
As you're telling that story, jillian, I had a deja vu.

00:36:36.121 --> 00:36:50.186
I was in a relationship for about four years and it was not a healthy relationship at all and just she had had a really, really horrible childhood and I'm kind of a I like to save and fix people and help people.

00:36:50.186 --> 00:36:56.847
But it was really verbally abusive on her part and that's how she kind of dealt with things.

00:36:56.847 --> 00:37:06.719
She lashed out at people and so I had to try for months and months and months to convince her let's go get help, let's go to counseling and so forth.

00:37:06.960 --> 00:37:10.715
We went to the therapist and she said well, you're the one that needs to fix yourself.

00:37:10.715 --> 00:37:11.659
You have all these issues.

00:37:11.659 --> 00:37:14.387
I'm fine, steve, you're the one that has all these issues.

00:37:14.387 --> 00:37:17.563
I said I'll take accountability, okay, but can we go together?

00:37:17.563 --> 00:37:20.157
Will you at least commit to our relationship and come with me?

00:37:20.157 --> 00:37:23.706
We go by the end of the session.

00:37:23.706 --> 00:37:28.541
The therapist says Steve, I'd like you to come back next week, if you would.

00:37:28.541 --> 00:37:38.237
I said, okay, great, and the whole way home my ex is saying see, I told you, it's you that needs to be fixed, that she doesn't even want me to come back in and I go back next week.

00:37:38.237 --> 00:37:41.063
And she said I wanted you to come back because I can help you.

00:37:41.063 --> 00:37:47.322
I can't do anything with her, there's nothing I could do with that mindset.

00:37:47.322 --> 00:37:52.565
And then the next comment was why are you with her?

00:37:52.565 --> 00:37:56.182
What is this relationship bringing to you?

00:37:56.182 --> 00:38:04.318
And it was like wow, and maybe in the thick of it, it still took me another year and a half before I got out of that relationship.

00:38:05.239 --> 00:38:10.068
Yeah, I don't always see the red flags, even when they smack me across the face, you know.

00:38:12.275 --> 00:38:13.081
And it says red flag with neon lights.

00:38:13.101 --> 00:38:14.514
I'm like, yeah it looks kind of like a white flag.

00:38:15.117 --> 00:38:16.141
But anyway Thanks.

00:38:17.755 --> 00:38:26.338
So when you talk about staying in your head, there's so much of a stain in our head and if we stay too much in our head, our relationship is dead.

00:38:26.338 --> 00:38:32.639
What do you mean by that, and how do we get out of our head and I'm assuming you mean into our hearts?

00:38:32.739 --> 00:38:33.061
Yes.

00:38:33.061 --> 00:38:47.983
So when you're constantly in your people couples, when they're constantly in their heads, they are constantly creating stories and meanings about the other person, and it's usually it's very disempowering.

00:38:47.983 --> 00:38:51.820
They always do that, they always do this, they never do that.

00:38:51.820 --> 00:38:53.922
Why are they always doing that?

00:38:53.922 --> 00:39:28.244
If they really love me, then, and they're all of a sudden creating this whole narrative about the other person and their intentions and what happens is then, at the end of the day, the person saying, well, I don't know if they can meet my needs, because they are basing that conclusion on everything that they are ruminating about for months and maybe even years, as opposed to communicating, but then again, people don't really know how to communicate, right?

00:39:28.244 --> 00:39:31.201
So that's, that's really what it is.

00:39:31.201 --> 00:39:31.601
It's.

00:39:31.601 --> 00:39:49.527
It's it's the stories that we create and the meanings that we create about the people in our lives and about ourselves that completely destroy our lives, honestly, and we'll definitely destroy our relationship.

00:39:50.335 --> 00:39:54.884
You mentioned, obviously yoga has played a huge role in your life.

00:39:54.884 --> 00:40:04.528
Can you talk a little bit about meditation and what role has meditation played in your life and do you have a meditation practice?

00:40:04.956 --> 00:40:05.697
Yes, I do.

00:40:05.697 --> 00:40:17.987
You know, I'm yoga for many, many years was my meditation practice, because it's like it's movement and you know, and I've always had to move, I do have a meditation practice.

00:40:17.987 --> 00:40:33.025
I I practice mostly Vedic meditation, which is kind of like TM, but transcendental meditation, like I have a mantra and whatnot, and I used to be very strict about doing 20 minutes twice a day.

00:40:33.025 --> 00:40:35.704
Now I'm just happy if I get in 20 minutes.

00:40:35.704 --> 00:40:53.309
Sometimes I do an hour, so that's really, really impactful for me, especially in the morning when I don't do it, I notice and I also find journaling first thing in the morning, which I got from Julie Cameron's the Artist's Way.

00:40:53.655 --> 00:41:02.326
When you journal at least minimally three pages within 30 minutes of arising, I have found that to be one of the most cathartic things that I could possibly do.

00:41:02.326 --> 00:41:04.849
Minutes of arising I have found that to be one of the most cathartic things that I could possibly do.

00:41:04.849 --> 00:41:16.706
An ideal morning would include the journaling and then moving my body and then meditating, because I find that sitting down for meditation after I've moved my body is really profound.

00:41:16.706 --> 00:41:23.246
I'm still trying to figure out a way to do all that time wise, but, um, yeah.

00:41:23.246 --> 00:41:25.996
So, yes, I find meditation to be.

00:41:25.996 --> 00:41:32.688
I think everyone should meditate honestly totally agree and I'm I've it.

00:41:32.887 --> 00:41:45.110
I'm bringing it up almost every single episode because I feel, because I've seen so, so much the impact that it has made on my life, meditation and as well as breath work.

00:41:46.137 --> 00:41:47.262
A lot of people love breath work.

00:41:47.914 --> 00:41:51.565
Yeah, and that has completely changed my life.

00:41:51.565 --> 00:42:02.085
Some of the breath work that I've done and just taken me to an alter state that I never thought was possible without plant medicine or drugs and whatnot.

00:42:02.085 --> 00:42:05.288
So is that also?

00:42:05.288 --> 00:42:08.510
Do you do any particular type of breath work that you recommend?

00:42:08.510 --> 00:42:09.855
I?

00:42:09.956 --> 00:42:13.085
actually don't do breath work, although I'm in full support of it.

00:42:13.085 --> 00:42:15.543
I think it's really really, really powerful.

00:42:15.543 --> 00:42:23.708
I think that breath work can sometimes be tricky if you have a very sort of wiry nervous system.

00:42:23.708 --> 00:42:28.083
In other words, if your nervous system is very can get tense very easily.

00:42:28.083 --> 00:42:35.751
Breathwork can actually be disruptive to that, and so I've found it to be sometimes disruptive for me.

00:42:35.751 --> 00:42:39.360
But overall I find that breathwork is.

00:42:39.360 --> 00:42:43.668
I'm a huge supporter of it and will even recommend it to a lot of people.

00:42:44.076 --> 00:42:44.438
Excellent.

00:42:44.438 --> 00:42:49.556
You've talked about wanting getting back to kind of your work that you're currently doing.

00:42:49.556 --> 00:43:15.344
You kind of went, as you mentioned the Tony Robbins kind of you know, kind of a newer way of doing things and a newer way of teaching and training versus kind of the academic route, and I like the expression that you consider yourself more of an interventionist as opposed to a typical therapist that's going to just spend a ton of time going over your childhood, for example.

00:43:15.344 --> 00:43:18.356
So can you talk a little bit about that?

00:43:18.356 --> 00:43:24.344
And what do you mean when you get a new client, for example, and what type of intervention are you referring to?

00:43:24.525 --> 00:43:32.742
Well, being an interventionist is really about someone coming to me and I see that they are.

00:43:32.742 --> 00:43:46.530
I'm trying to intervene on a path that they're on that's not serving them, and it depends on how much crisis a person comes to me with.

00:43:46.530 --> 00:43:58.356
Like, if a couple comes to me, if a couple is really, really struggling and, let's say, they're on the brink of divorce or splitting up, they do need an intervention to figure out what it is that they're going to do.

00:43:58.356 --> 00:44:00.079
So it really is.

00:44:00.079 --> 00:44:03.824
When I think about it, it's like I'm much more.

00:44:03.824 --> 00:44:11.340
I'm very forward and I'm very strong with the people I work with.

00:44:11.340 --> 00:44:14.706
So I'm not just letting them just so.

00:44:14.706 --> 00:44:28.666
Certain clients I've worked with they need to talk, you know, and I let them vent, but I'm always going to insert my opinion and if I think someone is really going in the wrong direction, I'm going to be very brutally honest about that.

00:44:28.666 --> 00:44:32.846
So in that way, that's how I see it as more of like an interventionist.

00:44:33.315 --> 00:44:33.655
Very cool.

00:44:33.655 --> 00:44:38.047
What are your views on dating apps?

00:44:40.335 --> 00:44:48.561
You know, I have a few clients who've met the love of their lives on dating apps and but a lot of people who are very frustrated by it.

00:44:48.561 --> 00:44:51.976
I think that, look, it's the world that we live in.

00:44:51.976 --> 00:45:02.865
I think what makes it very difficult and sad is that this whole swiping culture it's like everyone is just so disposable and that's not what we need.

00:45:02.865 --> 00:45:13.157
We need more connection, and so I I really find that part of it incredibly difficult to for people to navigate and I find it really sad.

00:45:13.958 --> 00:45:19.655
If you're going to be on the apps couple of things, don't say what it is that you don't want.

00:45:19.655 --> 00:45:21.519
Focus on what it is that you do want.

00:45:21.519 --> 00:45:24.487
Be very, very honest.

00:45:24.487 --> 00:45:36.755
If you are a single mother of three, make sure some of the pictures that you show this is part of the authenticity conversation, by the way like, be authentic and show a picture with you and your kids.

00:45:36.755 --> 00:45:40.583
Don't don't have every picture.

00:45:40.583 --> 00:45:42.726
Be you, have you all dolled up?

00:45:42.726 --> 00:46:03.907
Like, have there be a picture no makeup, smiling, you know, like something very candid, I said, and this is for men too, and just like anything else on social media, it becomes very addictive, and then you see someone has, you know, whatever message you, then you get a hit of dopamine.

00:46:04.014 --> 00:46:12.690
So you have to really be mindful and disciplined so that you don't let it control you.

00:46:12.690 --> 00:46:15.804
If you're exhausted being on the apps, delete your app.

00:46:15.804 --> 00:46:30.003
Yeah, if you can go into the dating world saying I'm just going to have fun and I'm just going to put myself out there because I need practice dating, I need to meet new people, I need to just like have that experience, then I say, get on the apps.

00:46:30.003 --> 00:46:31.346
It's all it really is.

00:46:31.346 --> 00:46:33.117
I hate to say a mindset thing.

00:46:33.637 --> 00:46:34.579
Yep, I would agree.

00:46:34.579 --> 00:46:38.856
And speaking of which, what are your views on compatibility?

00:46:38.856 --> 00:46:40.101
Like you, just compatibility versus love?

00:46:40.101 --> 00:46:40.664
You know, can you?

00:46:40.664 --> 00:46:42.875
Just compatibility versus love?

00:46:42.875 --> 00:46:47.465
You know, can you what are obstacles that you can overcome?

00:46:47.465 --> 00:46:59.518
For example, people two people are on vacation and one lives in New York and one lives in, you know, ohio and they rendezvous in Mexico and they, you know, and they fall in love, but they have a geographical difference.

00:46:59.518 --> 00:47:03.547
Or maybe one person has raised their kids.

00:47:03.547 --> 00:47:10.307
The other person had kids later in life, so he or she still has young kids, but they think they love each other.

00:47:10.307 --> 00:47:11.657
But one person isn't sure.

00:47:11.657 --> 00:47:18.239
If he wants to go through all that process, should he look at it as, hey, I love this woman, I'll make it work.

00:47:18.860 --> 00:47:23.567
So love versus compatibility in a relationship, yeah, sorry.

00:47:23.567 --> 00:47:49.527
So I think that you know choosing a partner has to be a practical, uh process as much as it is emotional, and so there are certain things that you just have to be in alignment over, and kids being one of them money, lifestyle, sex, religion or spiritual beliefs, just certain things you just need to be in a line, like your core values have to be in alignment.

00:47:49.527 --> 00:48:16.637
But as far as just like straight up compatibility, I think compatibility is very important, but you know there are introverts and extroverts that love each other and end up having a great relationship, but it's just a matter of everything else is sort of in line and are they okay with you know, like okay, like when we go on vacation, I like to do a bunch of things and my partner likes to, you know, just chill and read on the beach.

00:48:16.637 --> 00:48:20.405
That could be a problematic thing.

00:48:20.525 --> 00:48:38.164
But if everything else is sort of in line and that's how you are on vacation and you're okay with just spending, you know, half the day apart and the other half a day, you know, doing things together, and maybe the introvert or, you know, the person who likes to read on the beach, is like yeah, I'll do this one activity with you and one day the other one is like yeah, I'll sit on the beach with you.

00:48:38.164 --> 00:48:48.123
So it's just a matter of are you willing to like do you love this person enough to do some of the things that they love to do?

00:48:48.123 --> 00:48:52.289
Because that's very important for any relationship.

00:48:52.289 --> 00:49:03.867
Sometimes you do, sometimes you got to do the things that they love to do, that you don't necessarily love to do because you want to be a part of their world.

00:49:03.867 --> 00:49:14.646
But I think that when it comes to the compatibility conversation, a good thing to ask is what does a Sunday afternoon look like for you?

00:49:14.646 --> 00:49:21.262
Because how you like to spend a Sunday afternoon will really show to people how compatible they are.

00:49:22.043 --> 00:49:22.304
Wow.

00:49:22.764 --> 00:49:24.827
Saturday night and a Sunday afternoon.

00:49:25.268 --> 00:49:25.769
I like that.

00:49:25.769 --> 00:49:29.068
That's a good little litmus test for sure yeah.

00:49:29.068 --> 00:49:36.507
Yeah, excellent, you mentioned we can't have a relationship conversation without talking about sex.

00:49:36.507 --> 00:49:56.177
So, long-term relationship, what are some tips that you have for people to keep the spice, to keep the passion, to just keep the intimacy alive and well after two years, five years, 10 years, 15 years?

00:49:56.297 --> 00:49:56.637
Okay.

00:49:56.637 --> 00:50:02.949
So number one is don't expect it to be the same as it was when you first met.

00:50:02.949 --> 00:50:09.228

Jillian Turecki: Embracing the Dance of Modern Love and Self-Discovery - Encore Performance

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